I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Grandmother clock.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Don’t talk down to me
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My circle of trust is a meatball
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.