Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency