I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
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My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*