I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
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lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Customize Your Wedding.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
So that’s what we looked like?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”