I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
You Might Also Like
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
me, too, girl. me, too.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole