I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
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The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I put the hot in psychotic.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
felt that
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?