I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
the official breakfast of 2021
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.