I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
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[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
