I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
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if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.