I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
You Might Also Like
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Body by cheese-puffs.