Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

Hmmmmmmm….

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”