Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain