I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
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So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there