Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.