Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

Finally

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt