I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*