I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
What if all the cashiers are married?
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Basketball
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
