I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.