I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
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Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
sometimes i miss this memes
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work