I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
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New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?