Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

Who’s your best friend?