Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

get you a girl who

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.