I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
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What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much