I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
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My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Candles never taste the way they smell
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
How animals would run if they were human
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.