I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
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5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that