I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
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A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
i now pronounce you bounced.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good