Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Cop lights are so pretty at night

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.