I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
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Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did