I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
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I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties