Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

LA today:

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]