I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*