I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
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When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Great game to play with friends
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
what it’s like dating me:
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”