I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
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A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks