Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

RT if you could go either way.

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window