I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
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I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?