Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂