I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”