Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

inside you are two wolves

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples