I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
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DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.