Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

this is the most humiliating day of my life

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

oh you wanna fight?!

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

Omg 🤣

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.