I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
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Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
car not found
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.