Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

Brands during Pride

I hope you folks are recycling correctly