I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
You Might Also Like
I remember when things only cost an arm.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Bill is short for Billiam
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
My circle of trust is a meatball
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.