Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Yes, but it was never about money

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

But wait…

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

Bird: *flies into my office window*

Me: yeah, same.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth