I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
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Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here