Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

lol

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Flock of bats

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1659643828540768256/pu/vid/608x1080/Aa2WEiDcz1zYplEb.mp4?tag=12

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.