Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.