I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
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Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
aura
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story