Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

Just how popey was the pope today?

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

(more comics:

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

Spell check is for lasers.

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…