my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
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Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.