I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
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Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Just a friendly reminder!
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions