I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
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Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Why is no one talking about this?!
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.