I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
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Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I know a bad idea when I see one.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.