I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Does beer think about me too?
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.