Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be