I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
You Might Also Like
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”