I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
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Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?