Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.