I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
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[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.