I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
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An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
he’s doing your taxes
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
*jingles half the way*
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card