Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.