@hpb777

I’m at my most British when the Benny Hill theme song plays while I’m half naked & being chased by my TC’s wife who found me in his closet.

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@SadPeruna

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

@bartandsoul

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

@_Water_Baby

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

@LurkAtHomeMom

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

@turboescortdude

Hey babies, I can do 12 push-ups. Impressed? Doap. Typo, meant babes. Impressed? No? Oh. Well then. Impressed babies?

@AndyAsAdjective

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

@Kauaibride

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

@therealeatwood

Call me old-fashioned but I think a woman should use her mouth for its intended purpose: for carrying her babies as cats carry their kittens

@JennSlowpez

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

@AndrewsNotFunny

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art