I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
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Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées