I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
You Might Also Like
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir